“I know just what it feels like
to have a voice in the back of my head.
It’s like a face that I hold inside
A face that awakes when I close my eyes.”
-Papercut by Linkin Park
“It hurts… it hurts so bad.” A broken sob, a tortured sigh. I roll to my side, pressing my hands against my ears, trying to block out the sounds.
“Make it stop hurting… please..”
How can I sleep? With a resigned sigh I open my eyes and stare at the darkness surrounding me. Things are beginning to make sense again. My memories aren’t so confused, my thoughts aren’t so jumbled. My emotions though.. I can’t figure them out.
Why do I find myself.. attracted to him? I don’t understand. These strange feelings are almost frightening. They’re making me think and do things I wouldn’t normally do. They’re making me -feel- what I swore I’d never feel for anyone again. They frighten me… and yet, they excite me.
In the room next to me, he’s crying again. Screaming in his sleep. The one called Crawford is probably there, trying to comfort him. But the boy will find no release from the night phantoms. Just as I can find no release from the emotions inside myself. There can be no release.
“Oh god… please…” A pained whimper.
He starts to sob. Harshly. Even through the walls I can hear the heart wrenching sounds. I hardly know him, but he’s just a child. And his tears are those of innocence ripped asunder. I understand his pain. I -feel- his pain.
Not for the enemy anyway. So what am I feeling? Why can’t I stop these emotions? What’s wrong with me?
I can feel them. A hundred memories pressing at the back of my brain, begging to be heard. My head hurts from pushing his thoughts away. He doesn’t realize that he’d thrusting them at me. He doesn’t realize in his distress that he’s projecting. But then, how could he? He’s just a norm. Not a gifted.
I roll onto my stomach with a sigh. Nagi’s screaming upsets him. For whatever reason. I don’t really know, I haven’t looked in, even if the door is open I’m not stepping through without permission. Gradually the screaming stops, he’s crying now. His sobs echoing through the thin walls. Or maybe I just hear them better because of my gift. I can’t be sure. Sometimes I can’t tell the difference between thoughts, and spoken words. Between my feelings and the strong emotions of someone else.
You’d think, by now, I would have learnt to filter better. And for the most part I can.. but sometimes.. whether because I’m tired or because emotions are so high, I get confused.
I don’t know what I’m going to do when he goes home.
I don’t know how it happened…
but I’ve fallen in love with him.
“One step at a time.” Schuldich has his arm firmly wrapped around my waist. I tried to tell him I could do this on my own, but he insisted I needed help. How can I concentrate on walking, when he’s holding me so close to his side.
His fingers are warm. They’ve slipped under my shirt so he could get a better grip on my side. “Hey,” Schuldich waves a hand in front of my face.
I flinch away instinctively. “Focus.” He says dryly, “You’re trying hard enough.”
I glower at him, then look down at my feet. I try to ignore him as I focus only on moving. Standing had been hard enough, but I’m determined. I will walk. And then I’m going to walk right out of here.
Biting my lower lip I stare at my leg, willing it to move. It doesn’t budge. “Just concentrate on your leg and moving it forward.” Schuldich’s voice murmurs in my ear.
But then, I find myself listening to him.
Come on… MOVE.
And to my great shock, my leg slides a few centimetres forward. I gasp, clutching onto Schuldich instinctively. I moved!
I’m both happy, and sick as his leg slides forward. I don’t have to hear his thoughts to feel his joy. This is just the first step.. but it’s the first step to him walking out of my life. Forever.
I’m such a fool.
I feel him clutch at me, and it just makes this hurt so much more. I continue to hold him, though I have the sudden urge to let go and just let him fall to the floor. Hopefully he’d twist his ankle.. no.. I can’t do that. I don’t want to see him hurt. Even if it means he’ll have to stay here longer.
His body tenses, I look down and watch with disgust as he begins to awkwardly slide his feet forward. One at a time. A slow shuffle. He won’t be walking out today, not like this, but it’ll be soon.
I’ll miss him…
And I hate myself for it.
He tired himself out. Shuffled his way across the damn room and then collapsed. He didn’t protest much when I picked him up and carried him back here. In fact, the moment I laid him down he fell fast asleep.
I reach out and gently push the hair out of his eyes. He’s an angel. So beautiful. Although, my impression of him might be a bit colored by my feelings for him. I still have a hard time admitting it, even to myself. I’m in love with him. My enemy. A man who has nothing but hate in his heart for me.
Hell, if I gave him a weapon I’m sure he’d kill me right now. Of course, that’s if I woke him up too and I wouldn’t do that because he’s too adorable when he sleeps. All the tense lines along his lips, and the furrow in his brow fade when he’s sleeping. He looks more his age.
He looks vulnerable and it makes me want to protect him. Or fuck him, whichever.
I sigh and lower my head, looking away from the temptation that is him. /How can I feel this way towards my enemy?/ There really is no answer. I guess sometimes you can’t control your emotions. Stupid things, like anger, fear, jealousy, those emotions you can learn to control, or at least muffle. But love… Love is something that rises up and strikes you in the ass, whether you want it to or not.
He’s beautiful. Especially in sleep. I can’t help but to reach out and very gently caress the soft skin of his cheek.
He’s touching me. Stroking my cheek with his fingers. He probably doesn’t realize I’m awake, and for some odd reason I don’t do anything that’ll clue him in to this fact. His touch makes my entire body burn. I’ve never felt anything so powerful before. How can such a simple touch make me feel so.. good?
I can -feel- him hesitate. His fingers pause, then I can feel his hot breath brushing my cheek. What’s he doing? Why is he so close?
He kisses me, and suddenly I understand the what. But behind the buzzing of my ears and the insane thoughts running through my skull I’m left to wonder; why?