“I know just what it feels like
to have a voice in the back of my head.
It’s like a face that I hold inside
A face that awakes when I close my eyes.”

-Papercut by Linkin Park

Author’s Note: This one does a LOT of jumping between Aya’s thoughts and Schuldich’s thoughts.  I just wanted you to see what each person is thinking during this.. pivotal moment in their relationship. ^_^

-Chapter Five-

His lips are every bit as soft as I imagined they would be. Soft and sweet as anything I’ve ever tasted. I feel him tense under me. He’s awake, and yet.. he’s not pushing me away. So I deepen the kiss, sliding my tongue over his still lips. Begging for entry I know he won’t grant me, and then.. his lips part. I stare at his face, his eyes aren’t open, but he’s awake. I know he is.

And he’s letting me kiss him.

Letting me deepen the kiss.

Heaven couldn’t possibly taste so sweet. I don’t dare breath as I slide my tongue between those parted lips. His tongue moves to the side, playing shy. But I slide my tongue along it, hearing his soft gasp. ‘Feeling’ it, more than hearing it really. After some gentle coaxing, his tongue slowly, and shyly starts to twine with mine. A seductive play conducted inside our mouths, made all the sweeter by his klumsy, shy mannerism. Hasn’t he kissed before? I wonder..


I’ve never been kissed like this before. His tongue caresses mine. It’s the strangest, and yet most exciting thing I’ve ever felt. I don’t want it to end, and at the same time.. I don’t want it to continue. This isn’t right, but it feels so good.

I lift my arm, twining my fingers in his hair. I have to pull him away. I have to stop him… instead I find myself pulling him closer, pressing my lips harder against his as my tongue begins to return his ardent caresses. I have never kissed anyone like this before in my life. Never so deeply, never with so much feeling.

Please don’t stop…

His hair is silky soft and adds to my excitement as I relax more, letting him guide me. His tongue teases, strokes, wraps around mine in an erotic dance. I’m dizzy, barely breathing.


I pull back, he’s holding his breath. “Breathe.” I whisper, bending over a little so my lips brush his ear.

He shivers in my arms. While we kissed I moved onto the bed, lying beside him so that I could kiss him easier and better. I feel his chest rise and fall as he takes a shuddering breath. He’s so beautiful… I kiss his neck, his cheek, and marvel when once again he makes no move to stop me. He just tilts his neck to give me better access.

What butt did I kiss to deserve this treatment? Heaven. This must be a gift from heaven. His fingers are wound tightly in my hair. It’s an almost painful grip, but I don’t protest. Just let him hold me however he wants.

“We shouldn’t..”

“I can’t stop.” I counter quickly, kissing him before he can continue.

He pulls back again, turning his head so when I try to kiss his lips, I kiss his cheek instead, “It isn’t right.”

“Fuck right.” I grab his chin, forcing his head to the side so I can kiss him.

He moans into my mouth. I can feel how much he wants to say more, but I don’t let him pull away again. Words will fill the gap. I remember someone saying that. Well, whoever -did- say it, was an absolute dick. Words do nothing but ruin a perfectly good moment.

“No..” He’s pulled away again, so forcefully I couldn’t stop him. I stare into his violet eyes with surprise, “Fuck me.”


I’m scared. I’ve never done any of this before. I lay on my stomach, the position he’s pushed me into, and shiver as he trails kisses down my back. Then suddenly something hot and wet dives between my buttocks. I gasp in shock, arching into the bed, trying to get away from that touch.

//Quiet, bishonen. Just trust me.// His voice murmurs in my mind.

I shiver, trying to relax as his tongue works it’s way into my entrance. It’s wet, slippery… it’s a strange, uncomfortable sensation. But not really painful. I grip the bed sheets tightly, clenching my hands into fists.

I hear him moan, evidently he’s enjoying this as much as I am. I worry about.. how safe this is. Is it even sanitary? But the odd, unfamiliar sensations washing through my body distract me from those thoughts. I spread my legs a little to give him better access.


He’s responding so beautifully. If I didn’t know better I’d swear he was a virgin. But someone as beautiful as him couldn’t possibly be a virgin. I slide between his legs, fingers diving into his tight, warm body. I hear him moan. I watch his face, a little worried by the pained expression on his features. I kiss his cheek, murmuring soothing words.

His arms warp around my waist. He sighs, closing his eyes tightly. I move my fingers inside him, and soon his pained gasps turn to whimpers. Of pain? Of joy? Of discovery? It’s so hard to tell. I long to push my way into his mind. To hear his thoughts, but I promised I wouldn’t. So I don’t.

No matter how much I ache to.

So this is how the other half has sex. I always was able to just peek into the minds of my lovers so I knew exactly what they wanted and when. But this.. this is a guessing game.

I have no way of knowing if I’m doing things right.

If he’s enjoying this, or if he’s not.

It’s the most erotic thing I’ve ever experienced.


He turns me over onto my stomach, kissing the back of my neck. My shoulder blades. He’s gentle, and kind… perfectly attentive. I grip the bedsheets tightly as I feel something large press against my entrance. I try not to cry out. Try not to be afraid.

He slides in slowly, stroking my sides and back as he does. A pained whimper escapes my lips and I hate myself for it. “Do you want me to stop?” He hesitates, his voice a husky whisper.

How can I stop? I turn my head, burying my face in the pillow, spreading my legs just a tiny bit more. I raise my hips, pressing into his intrusion. He gasps, kissing my ear. He doesn’t speak again, and I’m glad for it.



He’s so tight, and warm. I kiss the back of his neck as I begin to move inside him. I try to take things slow, so he has some time to relax and start to enjoy things. But he doesn’t relax. I stroke his sides, knead my fingers into his lower back in an attempt to help him relax, but he still remains tense. I wish I could see his face at least.

But he keeps his face buried in the pillow. “Aya…?”

I press my cheek to his, pulling in and out of his body in long, slow strokes. I can’t stop. Not even if I am worried about him.

“Relax.. you have to relax..” I whisper in his ear.

His shoulders shake. His hands clench the bedsheets until his knuckles turn white. I lay my hands over his, frowning a little. I pause in my movements, concern outweighing my sexual need.


He groans.


“Don’t.. stop..”

He stays still for a moment longer, then begins to move again. His lips caress my ear, brush my neck, travel over my shoulders. He seems unable to just fuck. He’s touching me everywhere he can, his hands gripping mine tightly.

I turn my head to the side, keeping my eyes tightly closed. Immediately his lips kiss the corner of mine. They slide up, caressing my cheek and brushing over my eyelids.

I want to scream.

I want to cry.

I don’t ever want him to stop. It hurts.

So much.


I collapse on him, releasing my seed deep in his body. I bury my head in his neck, biting my lower lip hard to stop myself from crying out. I can’t afford to have the others hear. I calm down enough to pull myself out of him and roll to the side.

He’s perfectly still, and very tense. Even now.

I lay panting for a moment, then reach out and stroke his back. His head is turned away from me so I can’t see his face. Can’t tell whether or not he’s gotten any enjoyment from this. I roll onto my side and curl around him, sliding my hand under his body until I find his sex.

It’s hard, pulsing.

I grin, kissing the back of his head, then his shoulder. I wrap my arms around him, rolling him to his side so his back is pressed against my chest. I grip his sex in both of my hands.


No… No.. it’s not supposed to feel good.

I tense as his hands began to stroke me. I bite my lower lip, whimpering in fear. This isn’t supposed to feel good. He isn’t supposed to be so kind and attentive.


But it’s too late. I feel the pleasure build and burst.


He won’t stop crying. I hold him tightly. He tries to push me away, curling up into the fetal position, burying his head between his knees and sobbing. I curl around him, stroking his sides.

God it hurts to see him so upset.

“Did… did I hurt you?” I whisper, kissing his shoulder.

He makes an odd keening sound and his sobs grow even harder, more pained. My heart aches. I feel tears rising in my own eyes. I wrap my arms around him and hold him tightly, burying my face in his neck.

//I’m sorry…//

//I’m so sorry….//

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