“I know just what it feels like
to have a voice in the back of my head.
It’s like a face that I hold inside
A face that awakes when I close my eyes.”
-Papercut by Linkin Park
So here we are. Where we started. The situation is the same, but the people have changed. At least, I have. He’s as beautiful as I remember him being that last night. A cold, expressionless look on his face. He doesn’t look at me, and when he does his gaze is unfocued. Distant, like he’s looking through me, not -at- me.
Weiss and Schwarz.
White and Black.
The two don’t mix. And if you try you get a sick grey that no one likes to look at. I dream about him. Every night since he left. In my dreams we make love, but part way through he starts crying. In my impassioned state I keep taking him, even though he’s crying and begging me to stop.
The dream disturbs me.
I don’t want to make him cry. Not again. I’m afraid that I’m going to end up hurting him though. No matter how I try to stop myself. If I persue him, he’ll turn into that ugly grey I hate so much, and so will I. And he’ll end up hating me for it.
So this is it.
Around us the others are fighting. Ken and Farf. Nagi and the kid, Omi. Crawford and Yohji. And here we are, staring at each other like idiots. I smirk, lowering my head and placing my hands in my pockets, “Well. What are you waiting for? Afraid I’ll win?”
He stiffens, the katana gripped tightly in his hand raises. He points is straight at me. “I will kill you Schwarz.”
“I know. Go ahead. I won’t stop you.” This is the only way. I’d rather die than have to live knowing I can never be with him.
I’d rather die than see -him- die.
I raise my gaze, smirking at his dumbfounded expression. He expects me to fight him, like we did before. But I won’t. I can’t. Not anymore. Things have changed. I have changed. “Kill me.”
He steps closer until his katana presses against my chest. Right over my heart. With one swift move I will be dead. “Why aren’t you fighting?” His voice is full of his confusion, his eyes too. I’m sure if he realized how much emotion he was showing he’d try to hide it.
“I can’t sleep.” I remain perfectly still, staring straight at him even as his eyes dart away, “I see you.”
“Shut up.” He whispers.
I ignore him, shaking my head and laughing softly, “I close my eyes, I see you. I close my ears, I hear your voice. I lay down, I feel you under me. I can’t live like that. So.. kill me.”
It happens so fast. Pain. His eyes are huge, staring at me with horror. He lets go of the katana, but it’s blade is now firmly lodged in my chest. Behind him the fighting stops. Crawford, the one who bumped into him, goes completely still. He stands right behind Aya, horrified by what he sees.
I reach up, gripping the edges of the blade that are stuck in my body.
“Thank you.” I whisper.
Then the earth is rushing up towards me, and I can’t figure out why the voices in the back of my head are screaming.
I stare at him, hardly able to believe what I’m hearing. “I close my eyes, I see you. I close my ears, I hear your voice. I lay down, I feel you under me. I can’t live like that. So.. kill me.”
I love you.
I want to say it so bad. But I can’t! I just can’t. It’s not possible. I press the katana a little tighter against his chest. I will kill him. That’s my job. That’s what I’ve been told to do. I’ll do it.
Something hard bumps into me, pushing me forward. I watch with horror as this pushes the blade of my katana into Schuldich’s chest. Right into his heart. Oh god..
I drop the handle, staring as blood begins to fall from the wound. Schuldich reaches up, gripping the blade of the katana. He smiles.
He looks so calm. So peaceful.
How can he look so… so wonderfully happy? He’s dying! Doesn’t he realize…?
“Thank you.” His voice is a mere whisper of air. Then he’s falling.
“NO!” The scream startles me into action. I rush forward, dropping beside him. He’s fallen on his side, so I push him onto his back and pull the katana out. Careful not to twist it and worsen the wound. I toss the katana aside, ripping off my shirt desperately and ripping it to make a small square. I press the square against the wound in his chest.
Something wet touches my cheek. Am I crying? I wipe the wetness away. He’s perfectly still beneath me. Not responding to my touch, or my voice. “Schuldich.. don’t leave me…” I drop my head onto his chest, not bothering to lie to myself anymore.
He’s going to leave me.
Like Aya. Like mama… papa…
“I didn’t want to….” I whimper against his chest, clutching the front of his shirt with both hands, “I didn’t want to kill you… please… please don’t die… don’t leave me.”
But it’s too late.
And this time I have no one to blame but myself.